Saturday, November 12, 2011

Adventures in Shopping

If any of you pray for patience you should stop right now. I used to pray for patience and then I got Atley and Nash.  Plus, I already have a sure fire way for you to acquire some major patience, just go shopping with my children.  Since you are in public, you will have no other choice but to be patient because if you are not you will be arrested for child abuse.  I was almost arrested today when I dragged my son out of a store by his ear!  The ugly incident has been approaching for weeks.  Let me start at the beginning.

Nash wanders, really wanders. I lose him almost everywhere I go, church, the school, the store, our house, and he never answers when I call. I lost both him and Atley at the New Orleans airport this summer.  I finally heard their noises coming from the men's room.  Nash came out and told me that some weird man was talking to Atley in one of the stalls. I freaked out and ran in to find Atley alone and laughing hysterically at their fake pervert joke. Nash especially,  finds it funny to hide from me until I am completely panicked.  Then he jumps out and says BOO! I used to panic a lot quicker, not anymore. It takes a long absence for me to get really nervous.   I lost him for about 20 minutes at Target a few weeks ago.  I found him when I heard an older gentleman let out a very un-masculine scream while looking through a rack of clothes.  I was about 30 seconds away from calling the police.  UGH!!!

Two weeks later we were shopping at Costco.  I love Costco but it seems to bring out the very worst behavior in my family, Scott included.  Without fail, when we go to Costco, Nash has to pee and it is always a fight because he refuses to go in the women's bathroom, but he has no choice because I don't want him to run into any fake or real-life perverts in the men's room.  I ended up dragging Nash kicking and screaming into the women's restroom. I didn't have enough hands to force Atley to come with us so he waited outside the restroom. About mid-stream the fire alarm goes off at the store. Women were rushing to finish their business and get out quickly.  I wasn't a bit concerned.  Nash and I both figured it was Atley. We were right. He pulled the fire alarm, not only that, but he got busted by one of the workers doing it.  UGH! UGH!

Just a few short days after the Costco fiasco, we were at Safeway.  I had become completely numb to their antics and decided just to let them run wild while I picked up the one or two items that I needed and then try to find them.  Well, about 2 minutes into my shopping  excursion, I heard a crash followed by another crash, followed by the elephant feet of my two sons racing through the store trying to find me.  You will never know how much I wanted to hide from them, but they found me anyway.  "Boys, what was that sound?"  Nash replied, "Mom, I think we should just leave fast!"  Me, "Show me what you did!"  With my head held down in shame  I followed them to the floral department where I saw two extra large vases of roses shattered and lying on the ground amidst 3 dozen roses and at least 2 gallons of water.  UGH! UGH! UGH!

Yet knowing our track record I decided to take them to the mall this morning.  I had a coupon at the Children's Place that was about to expire and while I would have loved to leave them home with their daddy, he has been in Panama City all week and by Panama City I am not talking Florida, I am talking about the one with the canal.  I must admit I was a little tired, maybe even a little grouchy.  It definitely didn't help matters when I noticed a life sized photograph of an Oompa Loompa at the mall and then I realized it was actually my reflection in a giant mirror.  I will never figure out why my mirror at home tells such humiliating lies.  But, I digress.  We were at the Children's Place and the boys were completely out of control. I talked to them about good behavior in the car driving to the mall. I promised rewards if they could be nice, but no, they were beyond naughty.  It was like they had both drank a few Red Bulls before we went to the mall. They were running through the store knocking over clothes and shoes, screaming, and being so obnoxious that I don't even have the vocabulary to describe it. I was tempted to just walk out of the store and leave them there, but I opted for grabbing the closest child by whatever I could catch as he ran by. It happened to be Atley's ear and with the speed with which he was moving I thought for a second that the ear actually came off in my hand.  Everyone was staring at me, as I threw down my armful of kids clothes, screamed at Nash to get off his butt and follow me or else, and literally dragged my seven year old by the ear out of the store, while he yelled, "You're killing me!" As I walked past the people in the store I was so annoyed because, you know what they were thinking, "That is the worst mom EVER!"  Why don't people ever think, "Those are the worst children ever. I hope she spanks the heck out of them!"  Would it have hurt any one to give me a littler cheer, maybe say, "You go MOM!" So, maybe I snapped but I think I was due to snap. In fact, maybe I should have snapped a long time ago and then my snapping wouldn't have had to happen in a store that I actually like and can now never return to! UGH! UGH! UGH! UGH!


Melinda said...

Don't know if this would help...your boys might like it. But, my mom used to go for "mental" punishment. Once, when my brother acted up in a store my Mom bought him the spiderman underwear he was screaming for. Then, made him wear it on his head. Yeah, she got the looks, but he did not repeat his offensive behavior (at least for a little while). And, I thought it was the best day ever.

Tracy said...

I'm glad you write all these stories down. They are great! you will have so much to tell them and manipulate them with later on :) I'm glad I'm not the only one with crazy kids in the store. I try to avoid taking them to stores. Just today I went to Walgreens to fill prescriptions, Michael sees an aligator pillowpet and he is screaming for me to buy it. I have to pry both hands loose and then he's screaming at me and hitting my face while I'm trying to leave the store as quickly as I can. My kids are terrible at church too. I think the most fun moms have the most fun kids! :)