Tuesday, May 13, 2014

The Embarrassing Beaver Boy

This post is dedicated to my son who has been recently called Beaver Boy because of his gorgeous front chompers.  As you can see he has embraced this new nickname by gnawing on the wood molding in our home. I can think of a few better names for this mean little kid. Nash has been a bit more vocal lately. Translation:  Nash has said a bunch of embarrassing things lately.  I am going to share four of them so that they can forever be chronicled in the everlasting annuls of the Internet. Warning: Some of the information shared below may be considered too obscene for some audiences.

1.  Nash accidentally threw a football over the fence into the neighbor's yard.  Our neighbor is a super nice man but for some reason Nash was terrified to ask for his ball back.  He finally recruited his brother to go with him to knock on the neighbor's door.  Of course the neighbor was nice and returned Nash's football. This neighbor is also an older gentleman. He is quite tall, very thin and completely bald.  As Nash was thanking him and leaving the neighbor's house I hear him yell back, "Thanks again and I really hope your cancer gets better!"  The neighbor does not have cancer.
2.  Nash was invited to a paint ball birthday party. He was so excited despite my warning that paint balls hurt when they hit you.  As we walked the little boys up to the paint ball course, I could hear Nash talking trash to his buddies about how he was going to destroy them.  Less than 5 seconds into the first round Nash was shot directly into his manhood.  At which point he began rolling around the ground screaming, "My nuts! My nuts!  You shot off my nuts!"  He began pulling off his clothes and yelling for me, "Mom, I can't look!  Please help me! Look and see if I still have my nuts!" I checked and they were in tact. He did not believe my reassurances but was too afraid to look himself, certain that they were either missing or bleeding.  In front of a crowd of parents he asked me to describe them to him so that he could know for sure if they were okay. I just walked away shaking my head.  30 seconds later he was screaming again. "My nipple! You shot off my nipple!"
3.  Nash is a very good little baseball player.  He was proud to tell me that one of his coaches even told him that he was "builded like Bryce Harper!"  This news is especially exciting for a lefty like Nash since Bryce is also left-handed. We have spent many hours at the ball field this spring.  Last night it was our family's turn to provide the team snack.  It was a very warm summer-like night so along with some other treats I took along some watermelon.  As the kids and families gathered around to partake.  Nash made the announcement that I decided to bring watermelon because I was very concerned about how fat some of the kids and their parents were getting.  Of course that was a huge lie designed to make me squirm which was made only worse by the fact that there are a number of chubby kids on the team.

4.  In LDS jargon I am called the Primary President, which means that I am in charge of the kids ages 18 months to 12 years old each Sunday. One might assume that a person with this job would have children who were not only well behaved but had a basic understanding of what is and is not appropriate to say at church. We have been working on sharing our testimony's of the gospel in primary each month.  Nash has never felt the desire to share his testimony so I was ecstatic and nervous to see him stand up to share his feelings about the church and his Savior.  I quickly whispered in his ear before he reached the pulpit that his job was not to make people laugh but to be serious.  This is me paraphrasing what Nash said:  "My brother has a friend that said he would give me $20 to give up my religion and join his.  I told him I wouldn't do it for $20 but I would do it for $40 because I really wanted the Lego Sandcrawler.  He said we had a deal and then he started to tell me about his religion.  He said when a man and woman get married the man goes inside the woman..."  Imagine me running to his side to yank him away from the microphone at this point.  I was terrified about what might come out of his mouth next. I jerked him into the hallway furious and more embarrassed than I can express.  I asked him what he was talking about and more importantly what was his point.  Why would he think that the crazy and creepy story he was sharing was a testimony?  My handling of the situation will most likely cause him to never ever share his testimony again.  He explained to me that his brother's friend, who is Hindu, told him how he believed that when a person dies he becomes a star but when a man and woman get married a new man is formed in the woman's belly from that star.  At this point I was a little bit relieved that he had not actually been educated  about the birds and bees from a 9 year old boy.  He further explained that he was going to say that when he heard about that weird religion, our church didn't seem so weird and he decided not to accept the $40 even though he still really wanted that Lego set.  We had a long talk about how discussions or criticisms about other churches was really not appropriate.

Despite his uncanny ability to tease and embarrass me on occasion, I love him so very much and I adore the card he made me for Mother's Day!

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