Tuesday, January 5, 2010

The Joys of Pregnancy

If you want a warm and fuzzy entry about how beautiful and wondrous pregnancy is, than you better go read some other pregnant ladies blog. She will be the girl that only gains 16 pounds, never has morning sickness, a headache, and sleeps comfortably each and every night. She gives birth in 3 hours flat to a perfectly round headed six-pound baby, and then leaves the hospital the next day in her pre-pregnancy jeans, and guess what, her baby immediately sleeps through the night! Granted, pregnancy and birth is definitely a miracle but if I had had a vote in heaven I think I would have opted for the chicken method of procreation. Just push out a small egg and sit on it for awhile keeping it warm until it finally hatches. This inside your body incubation for 9 months is for the birds-pardon the pun.

Needless to say there will be no belly pictures posted on my blog! Why? First, I couldn't risk the public humiliation. Unlike some lucky women, my belly is not the only thing that grows. There is no doubt about the fact that my belly gets enormous but my butt grows in direct proportion. So, do my thighs, arms, face, ears, hair. You name the body part, it is unnaturally enlarged. Second, my self esteem just couldn't handle the, "you're so cute!" comments about the belly picture. Because when I get the "you're so cute" comments when I am pregnant I really don't doubt their sincerity. But the cute that is implied is the same kind of cuteness held by Chunk on Goonies! You know the fat kid cuteness that everyone loves and everyone hopes they don't possess. Let me give you another perspective when I was a kid in 4-H, the steers that gained weight the most quickly won an award for "RATE of GAIN." I make the rate of gain winners look like amateurs. My only goal this time around is not to double my body weight which I nearly did during my first pregnancy.

It's crazy how quickly life and priorities change when you are expecting a baby. I used to never leave the house without lipstick. Now I never leave without Rolaids. I used to drink water with lemon now my water is mixed with Metamucil. My biggest fear is sneezing because I only have three pairs of maternity pants and I just can't afford to get a pair wet. I used to love smelling good with my favorite perfume now the absence of scent is heaven to me. An older man in a white coat, glasses, and stethoscope sees me naked more than my husband and we all prefer it that way. Well, maybe the doctor doesn't prefer it. He is definitely getting the raw end of the deal.

I also love how people suddenly think that personal space doesn't count for women who are pregnant. I feel more like the community pet sometimes than a human being. And why is it okay to comment on a pregnant woman's size but totally taboo to comment on a non-pregnant woman's physique. A day rarely passes that I don't get a "Wow, you are really getting big!" Or, "Are you sure you aren't having multiples?" My favorite line, "I don't think your doctor got your due date right, you'll never last that long." The other day I was lying on the couch freezing so I had two blankets covering me. Atley approaches and says very sweetly, "Are you getting so big that you have to have two blankets now?" Thanks buddy! Although, I can't be too upset at him, he saved me a great deal of embarrassment the other day. I pulled on my stretchy and oh-so-sexy maternity jeans and was ready to head out the door when Atley stops me and says, "Mom, why is your fake zipper on your crack and your back pockets on the front." Yes, I put the jeans on backwards. Don't blame me it isn't like I can see anything below my belly button anymore.

All kidding aside about the joys of pregnancy, I am grateful for the chance to be a mother again. I will be especially grateful when it is all over. Heaven knows things could be worse. At least I am not riding a donkey to pay my taxes 9 months pregnant and then delivering the baby in a stall. Or crouching behind a tee-pee to give birth and then heading out on the next buffalo hunt. Or even giving birth in a covered wagon along a rugged mountain trail in the middle of winter. No, I am fortunate enough to be comfortably settled in an overcrowded hospital with the modern miracle of strong narcotics! And come to think of it maybe the chicken doesn't have it that great either. At least no one steals my unfertilized eggs to make breakfast or bake a cake. I suppose with all the discomforts, frustrations, and humbling experiences associated with child bearing, God's plan is the best plan. My goal is and should be to keep that eternal perspective even on the really rough days.


By the way, I thought this cartoon was funny and applicable!

8 comments:

natalie said...

I love the cartoon. If I'm ever pregnant again I'm so going to make myself a shirt like that.

Mandy said...

Perfect cartoon, and even more perfect post!!!

Wendie said...

Melisa you are so right! I hope it goes by fast.

The King Family said...

I used to look at that same cartoon when I would go to the Dr. when I was pregnant with Dallyn and I thought it was hilarious. Cute post! I hope these next few months fly by for you.

Tracy said...

LOVE it :) I also get big in all areas and gain lots when I'm preggers (in fact 65lbs with each pregnancy)! but it's all well worth it in the end, and the weight all comes off eventually... as I'm eating an oreo... 5 lbs to go. I'm also excited for spring to come... warm weather is the best.

The Miller Family said...

I adore this post! I totally know how you feel. I hopefully will be induced in less than two weeks and I get the, "You're still pregnant?" or "You look like you could just pop." or "When were you due, like a month ago?" And its mostly from men! Oh, the joys! Hang in there!:)

G&G said...

Personally, I think Melisa is super cute when she is pregnant. She has cute clothes and makes such adorable babies. It is always worth it.

Roscoe and Daisy said...

Melisa I miss you! I wish I could hang out with you right now. I just laugh at your humor and blog entries. You seriously made my night- I was laughing out loud and Kameron was looking at me funny. I love how you speak the truth and put it into words so beautifully!